snow

Alas, I have nothing interesting to say. Instead, I thought I'd share some photos with you of our first snow fall since my arriving home. It isn't much snow, I know, but still worth some recognition I think:

winter evening

It's been snowing outside all day long. The backyard is beginning to resemble a winter-wonderland with it's dusted trees, bushes, frozen creek, and rolling white hills (or hill...). Meanwhile, inside, it's quite cold. Not exactly how it should be; the kitchen, in particular, makes me shiver to the core. But at night, when all is dark (save for the light that floods across our front yard from Home Depot's parking lot), we turn on our lights and the Christmas tree in the living room glistens with dancing color. Instead of building a fire in the fireplace, we light candles that emit a soft glow. There is really nothing better than wrapping up in cozy blanket as we lounge on the couch and chairs by the fireplace, sipping hot cocoa, munching on holiday treats, and watching some random episode from a British murder mystery tv show we came across at the library. As Christmas day draws closer, those murder mysteries often turn to holiday movies (How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Charlie Brown's Christmas, Muppet Christmas Carol, and It's a Wonderful Life are my favorites).
During moments like these, it's easy to forget the squabbles, the fights, the bickering, the yelling, the anger so often expressed in my home. Maybe that's because the three youngest, who most often vent these feelings, are in bed by this time. Or maybe it's because we all enjoy being together, relaxed and comfortable. Or maybe there is another reason. Whatever that may be, however, I'm glad it happens.

No moral of the story type post, but I wanted to share.

beginning of my holiday

I wasn't home more than two days before it hit me, that disease that inflicts the college student when they're home on holiday and don't have to work. This is a first (and last) for me, and while I'm trying to enjoy not having homework, deadlines, a job, etc., I can't help it. I've bit hit by the "disease," and hit hard. I'm bored stiff. My mind is screaming: Give me something to do! Get me out of this house! Never in my life have I been so excited for the rest of my college buddies to get home so that I will finally have something to do.
However, I didn't actually realize any of this until my friend Joseph pointed it out. He had asked me if I were bored, and I said no. So he proceeded to ask me what I was doing before everyone came home to keep from being bored. After I told him my plans, he replied with, "ok, so you're bored." Yikes.
Maybe I'd better work on some things to keep me occupied until the friends come home. If you have any ideas, please do share!

beautiful melancholy

What are instant inspirations? Do they have meaning before they are contemplated, pondered, and broken down into moments of the beautiful and the melancholy?
We often define our lives by these moments, fleeting and inspired by feelings that have no logical direction in mind. We escape into the corners of worlds that we have created for ourselves when no one has been looking. Afraid to leave, afraid someone is looking, we wonder how we got there and where we're going.

Or maybe it's just me.

When painful realizations hit you, how do you respond? Escape to that little corner in your world of fleeting, melancholy inspirations? Leave real life behind for a moment, the world and all its busy comings and goings, to enter into a private moment of silent contemplation? Do you express yourself in tears, capture them in writing, compose a song, bang your fists against the wall, or lay in stillness as you wonder what went wrong, how you let it happen, wondering if there growth in the pain and foolishness?

I'm tired of forgetting who I am. I may be confused and broken, but I'm no longer lost. The world still screams at me something different. But I don't need to change; why try? I may "escape" to my corner to think, but I take Someone with me.

How can I get on without my Savior? I have been a fool to try. I have drifted into that melancholy because I have given into the belief that this is all there is.
I could shut my eyes to all of this, or escape into the arms of His embrace.

"Wasted time.
I can not say that I was ready for this.
But, when worlds collide,
And all that I have is all that I want.
The words seem to flow
And the thoughts they keep running
And all that I have is yours.
All that I am is yours.
Oh...

Painted skies.
I've seen so many that cannot compare,
To your ocean eyes.
The pictures you took
That cover your room,
And it was just like the sun
But more like the moon.
A light that can reach it all.
So now I'm branded for taking the fall.
Oh...
So when you say forever,
Can't you see you've already captured me." -Mae, The Sun and the Moon

I really have nothing to say

I'm sitting in the library. Feels like a very strange place to write my blog.

I began an entry the other day, left, forgot about it, and accidently deleted it. I'm sure whatever I was going to say was fascinating and I'm sorry that I will not be sharing my words of wisdom. Ahem.

I am almost done with classes before Thanksgiving break. Left on the agenda is my night class tonight, followed by work and turning in a paper tomorrow, then two classes Wednesday morning before heading off! Mass excitement is being felt on my end. Now that the end of the semester is near, the last four months seem sureal. Yet it always feels that way when I reach the end of yet another term. The only difference now is that I will be coming back only one more time. Then it will all be over. Excitement? Yes. Nervousness? Of course.
But I really can't think about that now. So much to do to finish this semester alone...

I really have nothing to say.

Christmas is starting soon, so I'm going to try and list a family tradition every time I blog. Here is the first one:
We get a Christmas tree. A real one, mind you, and usually purchased from across the street. We certainly make a comical scene, carrying it across the street to our house. The smell of real pine is wonderful. I love real Christmas trees, even if they are from Home Depot. Oh well. What are neighbors for?

Thanksgiving Break

Classes, thank goodness, are almost over. And as I write my last papers, prepare my last speeches, and study for those last quizzes, I think of Thanksgiving break. Not only because it reminds me to be thankful despite my stress, but it motivates me to plow through my work so that when I finally go home I will be able to relax.
I love Thanksgiving, and this year I am anticipating so many things that have made it memorable for me in the past:
-The dinner. We always eat later in the after, around 3 or 4 or so. Mom makes turkey with stuffing, of course. We have real mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, peas, pumpkin pie, homemade rolls (absolutely divine!), and so on. Every where mom tries out some new recipe she found. Last year we had chocolate pie and sweet potato casserole (if indeed that's what it's called). Mom always puts out a relish tray for us to eat while she cooks.
-The preparation: Everyone has a role in the kitchen to help her prepare. I always make the green bean casserole and, if I remember correctly, Josiah makes the pumpkin pie. We decorate with fall leaves, Indian corn, and little playmobile figures depicting the Pilgrims and the first Thanksgiving feast. Someone irons mom's Hungarian tablecloth while someone else prepares to set the dining room table.
-The day. Sometimes we watch the Thanksgiving parade. Sometimes not. I think the fun behind that was being able to turn on the tv before lunch. However, one of the best things about Thanksgiving is living across from Home Depot. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas, the store is closed. So we pump our tires and drag our bikes across the street for endless riding in the parking lot. Lucky is the child who first goes through Steak N Shakes drive thru; there's always money on the ground. I'll admit, my bike riding skills are lacking (seeing as I ride about once a year...), but that hasn't made it any less fun.

I can't remember the rest of the day very well. We play, clean, and act like we always do. A big family with a lot of people trying to do a lot of things at once. The rest of break usually goes as such: Black Friday mom and dad get up early (for me, not for them) and head to the store like everyone else. That is, if there are any good sales. We're usually instructed to have some sort of Christmas list by this time so they can check out ads and see what is easily obtainable. Friday is often thrift store shopping day. Major Thrift always has a sale on holidays, so we join the masses in combing through our favorite second (and third, and fourth, and fith, etc.) hand shop.
Saturday is Christmas decorating day. Bring down the fall colors, and out with the red, green and white! Boxes and boxes of it. As we have redecorated and rearanged the house this summer, Christmas decorating will no doubt be different. I look forward to the challenge, though, and know we will make the house look like a winter wonder land. =) Saturday night is "go across the street and pick out the best tree Home Depot has in stock" night. Sunday is decorating the Christmas tree (with hot cider or cocoa, I trust).
It's wonderful. Don't be fooled, however. There is a lot of bickering, fights, frustrations, etc. That happens with any family, and mine is no exception. But with all our faults (I have more than my equal share in all that), I still love it and am looking foward to a season of Thanksgiving, family, and green bean casserole!

Safe in His Embrace

I can't control any part of my future. And for some reason, that really bothers me. I want to know, will my grades turn out ok? Will this relationship work? Will this person forgive me? Will my family be safe? Will I find the right job after I graduate? Will I finally find a place where I feel like I belong, a place where I am 100% sure that God wants me?
Trust Me, God says.
But I shake my head. "What will you do with my life if I give it to You, if I trust You completely? Will You take all my hopes and dreams and throw them away?"
Seek Me, He replies.
I step back. "I am no good. You see all this sin in my heart? I judge and I worry and I say things I shouldn't and think things I shouldn't and all the while You want me?"
Open up to Me, He responds.
I place my head in my hands. "There's so much to say; what if I do tell You? What if I do trust You? Will you take it all away? I want You to have the fear, the pain, the regret, the shame, the confusion, the sadness and the worry. But what about my dreams? Will You take those away too?"
Who gave you those hopes and dreams? If they are real, and if they are good, then why be afraid that I will take them away? I do not punish those who put their trust in Me; I love them. Certainly there is a time for growth, and you cannot become strong without learning what's like to fall. Yet I made you. Designed you. Love you with a love more strong and real than any you could dare to hope for. I let my Son die for you, to save you. I will be there to catch you when you fall, to help you up so that when you try again, you'll be holding onto My hand, and not your own. You are afraid, because you do not trust Me. You are in pain because you do not put your hope in Me. You have regret because you won't let Me take your shame. You are confused because you follow your own knowledge when My wisdom is all you need. You have sadness, because you won't let Me heal your pain. And you worry because you won't cast your burden on Me.
You are understanding who I've made you to be. You are accepting that and are becoming excited about what you can do; they are your passions, passions I have placed on your heart. But you must place them before Me and trust Me. Allow Me to guide you and I promise I will bless you.

I am scared about the future. Nervous, anxious. Worried. It's as if I'm telling God, "You, You Who made me. I can't trust You. You created life, existence, and I'd rather trust myself than You, the the Savior of the world."

Do not put your hope in humans. We are all sinners and will hurt and disappoint. But God, God will never let us down. No matter how much the world around us seems to crumble, He says, you are safe in My embrace.

I'm not a good person. I'm most definitely not a great one. I probably never will be. But I am a saved one.

"I don't remember much, but I can remember two things: I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior." -Amazing Grace

Amen.

Forgive me, Lord, for going astray.

Here's something you don't see every day:

My roommate and I ran to Wal-mart today (not literally, mind you. She has a broken foot). Walking up to the store, we smelled something. Call me naive, but while I know it was something illegal, I can't put a name to it. I shrugged my shoulders and thought, well, we're in Jackson (though it can happen anywhere. People don't call Maple Woods "Maple Weeds" for nothing.)
Half a second later, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye: a woman walking out of the store just as we were entering it. Yet this was no ordinary woman. It was a shirtless woman. Yes, my friends, I saw a woman without a shirt on, walking out of Wal-Mart today. No one else seemed to notice, however. I can understand that the drugs, while wrong, may go unnoticed. But a shirtless woman in Wal-Mart... She (quickly) continued on her way while we entered the store, confused and slightly disturbed.

A List

Below is a list of discoveries I've made over the past few days I thought I would share:

1. I don't like James Bond. Shoot me if you will, but after staying up till 3am to watch Casino Royale Friday night, all I could think of was how much I wanted to be watching Bourne Ultimatum instead. Bond's skills were minimal compared to his enemies; that chase in the beginning? I mean, come on! Bond, in my humble opinion, is a self absorbed jerk-face. Where is Jason Bourne when you need him??

2. Don't stay up till 3am to watch a bad movie at the end of a rough week. Relax, drink hot cidar, and go to bed.

3. Our cat will never have a fixed name. First, she was "Birdie." (Thank goodness that didn't last long!) Then she became Sebella. (I called her Bella). Now, she's "Kitty." But there has been talk of changing her name to "Princess Leia." I'm going to keep calling her Bella.

4. Out of shape + soccer = very sore muscles. I mean, very sore.

5. I like listening to Christmas music a little early. Make of that what you will.

Changing Regrets

We all have them, and while it is not good to dwell on them, perhaps they can motivate us to change. I regret not playing soccer with my brothers (and sister) on a regular basis. I missed my chance to work out, have fun, "bond" with the siblings, and develop some skill. My four-year-old brother can kick better than I can. I'll admit, I was embarrassed and ashamed at my lack of skill. So what can I do to change my regrets?
Great change takes time, patience, practice, and hard work. I plan to move forward. My friend and I borrowed a ball for the semester and (as of this morning) have started playing together. Nothing drastic or hard core; I get winded after 5 seconds of fast running. But maybe by Thanksgiving I'll be able to play with the brothers (and sister).
Still playing barefoot.

Starting Out and Fire Ants

Yes, I am copying. But for the simple reason that everyone has this great idea of making a blog. (Though I will still send you e-mails, mom).
The purpose is concealed in the name. Yes, it is elvish, and yes, that is not a real language. But say the name ("Estelwen Narn") and perhaps you'll understand why I chose it. Tolkien was ingenious. Estelwen Narn (in case you do not know) means "story of hope," which for me has two meanings. The most obvious would be its telling you that these stories will hopefully be encouraging. But they are also my stories, and as my middle name is Hope, I thought it was appropiate. Thus begins my journey, and I hope you enjoy reading it.

I lost my car key Thursday night. I was on campus and somehow, in the middle of walking to or from class, the key slipped off its ring. I found some friends and a couple security came over and we searched for two hours. Nothing. The next morning, my toe itched.
Now, I know what you must be thinking. It's October. You were bit? Well, yes, it is October, but yes, I was bit (we have flowers blooming too). Not by just any bug, but by an ant. And, in my belief, a fire ant. I had forgotten the hundreds of little ant homes that decorate our campus lawns. And my foot, in a flip-flop, walking in the grass at 11pm, is a tasty target to a fire ant. Of all places, he got my little toe. Which isn't so little anymore. It's now swollen to almost twice its size, itches, and has what the internet calls a "pustule." Crazy how such a small thing can bother your every day functions.
Oh, and dad, I got my key back.

susannah

p.s. I'm working on my design, so please check back soon!