I really have nothing to say

I'm sitting in the library. Feels like a very strange place to write my blog.

I began an entry the other day, left, forgot about it, and accidently deleted it. I'm sure whatever I was going to say was fascinating and I'm sorry that I will not be sharing my words of wisdom. Ahem.

I am almost done with classes before Thanksgiving break. Left on the agenda is my night class tonight, followed by work and turning in a paper tomorrow, then two classes Wednesday morning before heading off! Mass excitement is being felt on my end. Now that the end of the semester is near, the last four months seem sureal. Yet it always feels that way when I reach the end of yet another term. The only difference now is that I will be coming back only one more time. Then it will all be over. Excitement? Yes. Nervousness? Of course.
But I really can't think about that now. So much to do to finish this semester alone...

I really have nothing to say.

Christmas is starting soon, so I'm going to try and list a family tradition every time I blog. Here is the first one:
We get a Christmas tree. A real one, mind you, and usually purchased from across the street. We certainly make a comical scene, carrying it across the street to our house. The smell of real pine is wonderful. I love real Christmas trees, even if they are from Home Depot. Oh well. What are neighbors for?

Thanksgiving Break

Classes, thank goodness, are almost over. And as I write my last papers, prepare my last speeches, and study for those last quizzes, I think of Thanksgiving break. Not only because it reminds me to be thankful despite my stress, but it motivates me to plow through my work so that when I finally go home I will be able to relax.
I love Thanksgiving, and this year I am anticipating so many things that have made it memorable for me in the past:
-The dinner. We always eat later in the after, around 3 or 4 or so. Mom makes turkey with stuffing, of course. We have real mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, peas, pumpkin pie, homemade rolls (absolutely divine!), and so on. Every where mom tries out some new recipe she found. Last year we had chocolate pie and sweet potato casserole (if indeed that's what it's called). Mom always puts out a relish tray for us to eat while she cooks.
-The preparation: Everyone has a role in the kitchen to help her prepare. I always make the green bean casserole and, if I remember correctly, Josiah makes the pumpkin pie. We decorate with fall leaves, Indian corn, and little playmobile figures depicting the Pilgrims and the first Thanksgiving feast. Someone irons mom's Hungarian tablecloth while someone else prepares to set the dining room table.
-The day. Sometimes we watch the Thanksgiving parade. Sometimes not. I think the fun behind that was being able to turn on the tv before lunch. However, one of the best things about Thanksgiving is living across from Home Depot. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas, the store is closed. So we pump our tires and drag our bikes across the street for endless riding in the parking lot. Lucky is the child who first goes through Steak N Shakes drive thru; there's always money on the ground. I'll admit, my bike riding skills are lacking (seeing as I ride about once a year...), but that hasn't made it any less fun.

I can't remember the rest of the day very well. We play, clean, and act like we always do. A big family with a lot of people trying to do a lot of things at once. The rest of break usually goes as such: Black Friday mom and dad get up early (for me, not for them) and head to the store like everyone else. That is, if there are any good sales. We're usually instructed to have some sort of Christmas list by this time so they can check out ads and see what is easily obtainable. Friday is often thrift store shopping day. Major Thrift always has a sale on holidays, so we join the masses in combing through our favorite second (and third, and fourth, and fith, etc.) hand shop.
Saturday is Christmas decorating day. Bring down the fall colors, and out with the red, green and white! Boxes and boxes of it. As we have redecorated and rearanged the house this summer, Christmas decorating will no doubt be different. I look forward to the challenge, though, and know we will make the house look like a winter wonder land. =) Saturday night is "go across the street and pick out the best tree Home Depot has in stock" night. Sunday is decorating the Christmas tree (with hot cider or cocoa, I trust).
It's wonderful. Don't be fooled, however. There is a lot of bickering, fights, frustrations, etc. That happens with any family, and mine is no exception. But with all our faults (I have more than my equal share in all that), I still love it and am looking foward to a season of Thanksgiving, family, and green bean casserole!

Safe in His Embrace

I can't control any part of my future. And for some reason, that really bothers me. I want to know, will my grades turn out ok? Will this relationship work? Will this person forgive me? Will my family be safe? Will I find the right job after I graduate? Will I finally find a place where I feel like I belong, a place where I am 100% sure that God wants me?
Trust Me, God says.
But I shake my head. "What will you do with my life if I give it to You, if I trust You completely? Will You take all my hopes and dreams and throw them away?"
Seek Me, He replies.
I step back. "I am no good. You see all this sin in my heart? I judge and I worry and I say things I shouldn't and think things I shouldn't and all the while You want me?"
Open up to Me, He responds.
I place my head in my hands. "There's so much to say; what if I do tell You? What if I do trust You? Will you take it all away? I want You to have the fear, the pain, the regret, the shame, the confusion, the sadness and the worry. But what about my dreams? Will You take those away too?"
Who gave you those hopes and dreams? If they are real, and if they are good, then why be afraid that I will take them away? I do not punish those who put their trust in Me; I love them. Certainly there is a time for growth, and you cannot become strong without learning what's like to fall. Yet I made you. Designed you. Love you with a love more strong and real than any you could dare to hope for. I let my Son die for you, to save you. I will be there to catch you when you fall, to help you up so that when you try again, you'll be holding onto My hand, and not your own. You are afraid, because you do not trust Me. You are in pain because you do not put your hope in Me. You have regret because you won't let Me take your shame. You are confused because you follow your own knowledge when My wisdom is all you need. You have sadness, because you won't let Me heal your pain. And you worry because you won't cast your burden on Me.
You are understanding who I've made you to be. You are accepting that and are becoming excited about what you can do; they are your passions, passions I have placed on your heart. But you must place them before Me and trust Me. Allow Me to guide you and I promise I will bless you.

I am scared about the future. Nervous, anxious. Worried. It's as if I'm telling God, "You, You Who made me. I can't trust You. You created life, existence, and I'd rather trust myself than You, the the Savior of the world."

Do not put your hope in humans. We are all sinners and will hurt and disappoint. But God, God will never let us down. No matter how much the world around us seems to crumble, He says, you are safe in My embrace.

I'm not a good person. I'm most definitely not a great one. I probably never will be. But I am a saved one.

"I don't remember much, but I can remember two things: I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior." -Amazing Grace

Amen.

Forgive me, Lord, for going astray.