Moving to WordPress to see if I like that better.
http://estelwennarn.wordpress.com
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
don't forget the climax
My love for story seemingly vanished. And it made me sad. I had spent so many months dissecting book after book, story after story, plot after plot, character after character, that I grew tired of it: trying to figure out all the problems, trying to understand all the supposed hidden meanings, and trying to remember every detail of every gruesome and depressing story ever written (at least over the past couple hundred years). I spent my last year of college reading on average a book (or story or two) a week. Not only am I tired of writing, but I'm tired of reading. I haven't read an entire book for pleasure in almost three years. That, for me, is a shocker. I use to spend my summers reading about 5 or more books a week. I soaked them up like a sponge. Now I push them away for fear of being over analytical.
And yet...it has happened. I've been inspired. Nothing grand. It was more of an inclination. Should I try and act on it? What's the point? Will anything I say make sense? Will it touch anyone? Will it mean anything? Or will it just end up in the 10 cent box in the library, or on the student's list of books to be over analyzed? Will I have anything worth while and original, or will audiences see in my work the mimicking of another writer's creations?
I want to write again. But I'm going to have to practice.
And yet...it has happened. I've been inspired. Nothing grand. It was more of an inclination. Should I try and act on it? What's the point? Will anything I say make sense? Will it touch anyone? Will it mean anything? Or will it just end up in the 10 cent box in the library, or on the student's list of books to be over analyzed? Will I have anything worth while and original, or will audiences see in my work the mimicking of another writer's creations?
I want to write again. But I'm going to have to practice.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Blank
I don't know what I'm doing.
Maybe this is a time of breaking. No lighting bolts or shooting stars, no cleared paths or manually instructed tours. Time to stop. Time to listen.
There are no plans, and it's a struggle. I'm a planner; everything about me wishes to have organization. Even my messes are organized.
And then there are the questions, the dreaded questions: what are you going to do now?
Do I have to have an answer? Do I have to know?
Strange. I am done with school, and all I want to do is learn. No textbooks, no tests, no competition or the chance to fail. Just me and the information the world has to offer. I want to travel and learn about other cultures, to not just study about history in a book but go to the places where battles were fought, where great men and women lived and died, where important decisions were made. I want it all to be real. I want to understand why my economy is collapsing, not just be told that it is. I want to see real places and speak to real people, not just read about them and see pictures of them in those books you find at Barnes and Noble near the cash register.
But I don't want to just take in information. My college career was about learning all you can. I read, I studied, I wrote papers. But when did I use my mind and my hands for something other than a grade?
Maybe I'm supposed to stop planning. Maybe God wants me to learn something before I can go any further. I may know it now, but I don't understand it or realize that it's there. Or perhaps I'm clueless and don't have any inclination whatsoever.
It'll be difficult, not having a plan for my future. I'll be hounded with questions, ridiculed and told how wrong I am; I have no idea what I'm doing (which is true)-I need to start thinking about the future (which is also true).
But how can I plan for your future when you don't know who you are?
I'm afraid to do something mediocre, afraid to do anything at all. I'm afraid I'll ruin His plans, afraid He won't tell me what they are. I'm afraid that anything I want to do is wrong. I'm afraid I'll have to get a job I don't like (or even hate) just to pay the bills. I'm afraid of the future because I can't see anything. I have no plans, no clear path to travel. No manual book. No falling stars, no bolts of lightning. Everything is blank. Not black, not white. Just blank.
And I'm afraid. Because I just don't trust Him.
Maybe this is a time of breaking. No lighting bolts or shooting stars, no cleared paths or manually instructed tours. Time to stop. Time to listen.
There are no plans, and it's a struggle. I'm a planner; everything about me wishes to have organization. Even my messes are organized.
And then there are the questions, the dreaded questions: what are you going to do now?
Do I have to have an answer? Do I have to know?
Strange. I am done with school, and all I want to do is learn. No textbooks, no tests, no competition or the chance to fail. Just me and the information the world has to offer. I want to travel and learn about other cultures, to not just study about history in a book but go to the places where battles were fought, where great men and women lived and died, where important decisions were made. I want it all to be real. I want to understand why my economy is collapsing, not just be told that it is. I want to see real places and speak to real people, not just read about them and see pictures of them in those books you find at Barnes and Noble near the cash register.
But I don't want to just take in information. My college career was about learning all you can. I read, I studied, I wrote papers. But when did I use my mind and my hands for something other than a grade?
Maybe I'm supposed to stop planning. Maybe God wants me to learn something before I can go any further. I may know it now, but I don't understand it or realize that it's there. Or perhaps I'm clueless and don't have any inclination whatsoever.
It'll be difficult, not having a plan for my future. I'll be hounded with questions, ridiculed and told how wrong I am; I have no idea what I'm doing (which is true)-I need to start thinking about the future (which is also true).
But how can I plan for your future when you don't know who you are?
I'm afraid to do something mediocre, afraid to do anything at all. I'm afraid I'll ruin His plans, afraid He won't tell me what they are. I'm afraid that anything I want to do is wrong. I'm afraid I'll have to get a job I don't like (or even hate) just to pay the bills. I'm afraid of the future because I can't see anything. I have no plans, no clear path to travel. No manual book. No falling stars, no bolts of lightning. Everything is blank. Not black, not white. Just blank.
And I'm afraid. Because I just don't trust Him.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
peace that transcends all understanding
Some things are impossible to forget. Or get over. Or change.
I often ask myself, why did this have to happen? Why can't the much less complicated version just disappear? You sit back and wonder when it'll all be over, when it will all change. Or will it?
What do we do when we decide to change something, but somehow our minds (or hearts) refuse to obey? We try talking ourselves into thinking a certain way. But all we get is...air. An empty response and sorry shakes of the head as we sit in silent discouragement. We spend Friday nights awake in lonely confusion; the sun sets, the stars come out, and time slips by. Before you know it, the clock reads early morning and fiery light flushes out the shadows of darkness on the horizon. But still your mind goes over everything while you mentally hit yourself for being so, so... so complicated. Why can't you just get over it? Why can't you just change?
God knows. He holds the future in His hands. And He alone will do what is right with it.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6
I don't do that very well. Sometimes I think I don't do it at all, when I realized that I have the hardest time trusting Him with the small things, the things that seem more important to me than they would to the Savior and Creator of the world.
Psalms has a lot to say about this, but here are some verses:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalms 34: 18
"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." -Psalms 37: 5-6
"One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong and that you, O Lord, are loving." Psalms 62: 11-12a
These verses tell us that God is a personal God; He is close to us and loves us. He can, therefore, relate to us and cares about us and our problems. Also, they tell us that He has strength and power. He therefore not only cares about our problems, but He has the power to do something about it. He may not fix them the way we want, but He does what is right.
The best part is that He will never leave us. No matter how much we mess up.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present for the future, now any powers, neither height for depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
It's so easy to get caught up in the little things, thinking there is no way of escaping what appears to be hopelessness. But God has promised a way out, if we trust it all to Him.
I could give you a hundred dozen more verses, but you might as well read them for yourself. Trust me, you won't regret it. I only regret not reading my Bible more.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4: 6-7
I often ask myself, why did this have to happen? Why can't the much less complicated version just disappear? You sit back and wonder when it'll all be over, when it will all change. Or will it?
What do we do when we decide to change something, but somehow our minds (or hearts) refuse to obey? We try talking ourselves into thinking a certain way. But all we get is...air. An empty response and sorry shakes of the head as we sit in silent discouragement. We spend Friday nights awake in lonely confusion; the sun sets, the stars come out, and time slips by. Before you know it, the clock reads early morning and fiery light flushes out the shadows of darkness on the horizon. But still your mind goes over everything while you mentally hit yourself for being so, so... so complicated. Why can't you just get over it? Why can't you just change?
God knows. He holds the future in His hands. And He alone will do what is right with it.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6
I don't do that very well. Sometimes I think I don't do it at all, when I realized that I have the hardest time trusting Him with the small things, the things that seem more important to me than they would to the Savior and Creator of the world.
Psalms has a lot to say about this, but here are some verses:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalms 34: 18
"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." -Psalms 37: 5-6
"One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong and that you, O Lord, are loving." Psalms 62: 11-12a
These verses tell us that God is a personal God; He is close to us and loves us. He can, therefore, relate to us and cares about us and our problems. Also, they tell us that He has strength and power. He therefore not only cares about our problems, but He has the power to do something about it. He may not fix them the way we want, but He does what is right.
The best part is that He will never leave us. No matter how much we mess up.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present for the future, now any powers, neither height for depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
It's so easy to get caught up in the little things, thinking there is no way of escaping what appears to be hopelessness. But God has promised a way out, if we trust it all to Him.
I could give you a hundred dozen more verses, but you might as well read them for yourself. Trust me, you won't regret it. I only regret not reading my Bible more.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4: 6-7
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