Blank

I don't know what I'm doing.

Maybe this is a time of breaking. No lighting bolts or shooting stars, no cleared paths or manually instructed tours. Time to stop. Time to listen.

There are no plans, and it's a struggle. I'm a planner; everything about me wishes to have organization. Even my messes are organized.
And then there are the questions, the dreaded questions: what are you going to do now?

Do I have to have an answer? Do I have to know?

Strange. I am done with school, and all I want to do is learn. No textbooks, no tests, no competition or the chance to fail. Just me and the information the world has to offer. I want to travel and learn about other cultures, to not just study about history in a book but go to the places where battles were fought, where great men and women lived and died, where important decisions were made. I want it all to be real. I want to understand why my economy is collapsing, not just be told that it is. I want to see real places and speak to real people, not just read about them and see pictures of them in those books you find at Barnes and Noble near the cash register.

But I don't want to just take in information. My college career was about learning all you can. I read, I studied, I wrote papers. But when did I use my mind and my hands for something other than a grade?

Maybe I'm supposed to stop planning. Maybe God wants me to learn something before I can go any further. I may know it now, but I don't understand it or realize that it's there. Or perhaps I'm clueless and don't have any inclination whatsoever.

It'll be difficult, not having a plan for my future. I'll be hounded with questions, ridiculed and told how wrong I am; I have no idea what I'm doing (which is true)-I need to start thinking about the future (which is also true).

But how can I plan for your future when you don't know who you are?

I'm afraid to do something mediocre, afraid to do anything at all. I'm afraid I'll ruin His plans, afraid He won't tell me what they are. I'm afraid that anything I want to do is wrong. I'm afraid I'll have to get a job I don't like (or even hate) just to pay the bills. I'm afraid of the future because I can't see anything. I have no plans, no clear path to travel. No manual book. No falling stars, no bolts of lightning. Everything is blank. Not black, not white. Just blank.

And I'm afraid. Because I just don't trust Him.